Holding on too long

I just want to share a letter sent from my Bishop to all the chaplains

IN A WORD

Holding on too long

I am struck by the number of people who hold on to old hurts. Sometime those painful memories are the result of a devastating experience that caused great personal and longtime damage. At other times, the incident was a minor slight that took on major significance. Sometimes those who caused the pain did so with intentional malice. At other times, the offender was not even aware of the offense caused, and did not set out to hurt.

In all these incidents, however, one consistent ingredient is that the aggrieved refuses to let the hurt go. Sometimes years pass and the hurt remains fresh, as though it occurred yesterday.

Interestingly, institutions can cause pain, too. Impersonal and corporate, systems often cause great harm. Even policies that do not set out to create pain can injure. The result can be a wounded spirit, a bruised ego, and a life broken. Thus, the holding on of an old hurt is not always directed towards a person. Sometimes it is directed at an organization or institution.

In any case, it is an unnecessary burden to carry an old hurt day in and day out, year in and year out. When that is done, words and acts are nurtured and become larger in the memory than they may have been in actuality.

I remember shamefully my holding on too long to such hurt. I had a close friend, who was a colleague in the same annual conference. One day we found ourselves in the midst of a conflict that destroyed our friendship. His words to me were hurtful, I thought at the time even racist. I struck back. He responded with equal anger. We never spoke again after the incident. Never!

Imagine fellow clergy, Christians, pastors preaching weekly about love, forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation, avoiding and ignoring one another. I held onto his words for years. And the hurt.

Many years later, I wrote my colleague a letter and apologized for my actions, words, and thoughts. I wanted him to know that I had even forgiven him for words that wounded me at the time. It is no surprise that he responded in like tone. We both held on too long to an old hurt.

In this season of Lent, a time of acknowledging misdeeds, a time of seeking and offering forgiveness, you may be holding on to a hurt that needs to be let go. Your act of forgiveness is waiting.

In, No Future Without Forgiveness, by Bishop Desmond Tutu, he writes, "Forgiveness does not mean condoning what has been done. It means taking what happened seriously and not minimizing it; drawing out the sting in the memory that threatens to poison our entire existence."

In the end, letting go is not what you do for someone or something else; it is what you do for yourself.

Until next time!

Bishop Woodie White

Endorser for The United Methodist Church